Classical literature provides us with a plethora of characters. Plautus and Theophrastus provided authors with a long list of stock characters to fill fictional and epic tales way back in the fucking day in Rome and Greece. These weird-ass characters had names like “The Insincere Man” or “The Man without Moral Feeling.” They filled in roles that were not important and not the tragic hero. Right about now I’m sure you’re thinking, “What the shit are you talking about, Frank? Why would I waste my time reading about ancient Greek characters?”
You see, these stock characters do have modern counterparts: “The Douchebag” and “The Player.” And I got to thinking the other day that these character types really show their faces in a little place called downtown Athens, GA. The point of this guestblogging experience is to show you the stock characters in your life. Or, for that matter, in your downtown Athens experience. While you are the hero in your story, the numerous people you drunkenly interact with in your social outings are these random stock characters. They will always be there, and you will always notice them.
Ok, I’m a freshman. I “technically” have never been downtown before because that would obviously be extremely illegal and illogical. However, from what I’ve, um, “heard,” there are those people you always fucking see when you’re drunk. They are the people you laugh at, the people you hang out with, the people you’re hitting on, the people hitting on you, or sometimes the people you wish you were. Much like those old dudes who wrote that apparently important shit about characters before Jesus, I am now writing an equally important and informative piece calling out all those drunken people. You’re welcome.
First we’ll start with all the females:
The Skank: Ahh this is too easy, what am I kidding? You have seen/are this girl. You make a scene everywhere you go. You dance far too much, you yell far too loudly, you drink far too much, and you are far too sloppy. Personally, I hate you. And sadly for you, most people do. Some self-conscious girls will be jealous of you and all the male attention you’re getting. But what you both don’t realize is that those dudes hitting on you are your male equivalent: The Player. We will talk about them later. Anyway if you’re not drunk and sloppy, you’re faking it because you think it’s cool. IT’S NOT FUCKING COOL. Any dude who thinks with his brain and not with his dick will think you’re a slut, because you are.
The “Mom”: “Moms,” you have the worst job in the world. I’m not talking about real moms, but I’m talking about the responsible girls who, sadly, are usually the smarter friends of The Skank. You girls clean up the mess, you pick up the pieces, and you provide the moral support for your skanky friend she doesn’t deserve after waking up next to that infamous Player or The Creepy Old Guy. Moms, you do a great thing. And you earn much-due respect from the normal people and guys who see the selfless things you do. While it’s great you’re so nice, you probably shouldn’t be. You can find other moms, go downtown together, and then you wont need anyone to take care of y’all and y’all won’t have to take care of anyone. You can just have solid fun. Stop hanging out with that skank. She doesn’t deserve your friendship.
The Senior (Girl/Guy): Why are you downtown, and why are you at Bourbon? The first time I “hear” you’re there, I’m like “Okay this is pretty tight. She/He is a senior and is out with the younger guys.” But after the fifth time you are dancing on a table or buy your fifth fishbowl that night, all I think is how sad/pathetic it is that you’ve been out 4 days this week and you graduate in two months. I know Athens is “where sobriety goes to die,” but you’re pushing it. You had 3 years to take bullshit classes and do this whenever you wanted, but I want you to do something with your life. You want to be a lawyer! But you’re blackout and making out with a freshman! Ah fuck it, that’s me in 3 years.
The Tag-Along: I’m sure you have this girl on your hall, and she is really sweet. But man is she just not up to par with you and your friends. You take her out with you anyway, and you’re sure it won’t be an issue that she is wearing a hoodie and capris. False. It is an issue. To be fair, there are plenty of girls I have “heard of” downtown that I thought were tag-alongs, but ended up being cooler than their friend I knew. So this character type is not necessarily as definite as the others. Anyways, you take this chick out with you and your friends. You are wearing your new dress and cowgirl boots and she looks like a scrub. This creates a terrible situation for everyone. Not only is it extremely awkward for your other friends now asking you why invited this random girl, but it also puts you in a lose-lose situation. You can’t tell her to go home, and you can’t ditch her, because she doesn’t have other friends that go out. You decided to deal with it, go to Sideways, and meet up with some guys you know. This dude and you are really hitting it off tonight, but uh oh, here comes the buzzkill. Tag-along swoops in and blows it, either complaining that she wants to leave or just hovering there ruining the conversational flow. Suggestion: don’t bring these girls downtown with you. It doesn’t make you a humanitarian or less of a bitch, it just makes you regret your pity for this other chick.
The Mimicker: I almost hate these girls more than I hate The Skank. God, I’m getting mad just typing about it. You are the girls who make the Skank’s actions possible. You form her posse, you dance around her, and you support her retarded actions. You love to pretend you are her, but really you are just the girls The Player talks to in order to get closer to The Skank. You copy The Skank’s every move in hopes of gaining the same attention as her one day because you are THAT self-conscious and have THAT low of self-esteem. You mimic a girl to fulfill your own lack of personality and in turn support her goal of having “everyone” love her. This creates a never-ending downward spiral in which you girls never stop.
Alright, enough for the girls. If you don’t fall into one of these categories, that’s a good things. Now for the dudes.
The Player: This is college. Guys are going to go on the prowl. For guys who stress that hooking up with girls is all life is about, you are both douches and players. There are wannabe players who like to affiliate with the other guys whose lives revolve around girls. You like to pretend that you get more, hotter, and skankier girls than everyone else does. And you stress this downtown by pointing out girls and saying “Yeah bro, I’m leaving with that one.” No, no you’re not. Because unless she is a skank or a mimicker, she’ll know you’re a tool. And even most skanks and mimickers can read you as just a poser. As for the real players, you will leave with a girl that same night. And she may very well be someone you pointed out. This is because you, the player, are skilled in choosing your prey. The girls you point out crave one night attention from a member of the opposite sex with equally low self-esteem. Obviously you are leaving with the skanks. You and the skank were probably both raised in a household in which your parents didn’t give you enough attention. Thus, you both crave meaningless relationships to feel wanted, because nobody really ever wanted you. Wow, that was pretty harsh.
The Thief: Stealing shit when you are drunk is always your goal when you go out. Whether it is that Bud Light sign in Bourbon or a random sorority’s banner, when you wake up with something that isn’t yours you are always ecstatic. “Dude check out this fucking KD banner I stole last night! Cool, right?” Yeah you know what, that is pretty cool. And its pretty funny that you hauled ass on Milledge Ave. and risked getting arrested or spotted by a security guard to get a giant piece of fabric with paint on it. You know the girl that painted it is fuming mad right now that the banner is gone, so that makes it even funnier. It is honestly retarded to steal shit when you are drunk, but you thieves do make it funny as hell for everyone else to watch you take something. I’m not complaining. I encourage you to continue to do this for my own entertainment. Your mischievous actions are stupid but awesome.
The Blackout Kid: Binge drinking is a hobby of the majority of Athens, but blacking out nightly is not normal. Most people don’t blackout every night but may do so occasionally, or perhaps never. If you think it’s cool to blackout every time you go out, I hate you. Dancing alone and slobbering all over yourself or throwing up all over a corner in City Bar is not fun for anyone involved. You become a liability for your friends, the bar, and yourself. If you blackout all the time it doesn’t make you look like a badass for drinking so much, it makes you look like a freshman in high school drinking his mom’s vodka for the first time. You are a tool. It was funny at first for your friends to watch you black out, but now you’re just annoying as shit. Stop it and learn how to drink responsibly.
The Athlete: You hang out where there are ignorant freshman girls. You play the same card every night and you want the women to flock to you. As much as you love the feminine attention, you also love to display your masculinity. You love to start shit and you want always want to fight. I don’t understand the logic, honestly. You go to college for free, you take the easiest classes, you play the sport you love, and you want to piss it all away by getting arrested for punching some kid in the face for accidentally scuffing your Jordans. I have “heard of” multiple fights and may or may not have been the target in a couple of instances. If a girl wants to get with you because you are an athlete and you sucker-punched some kid in the ear, then she obviously has mental issues.
The Creepy Old Guy: If you are over 28 and in a bar where there are kids illegally drinking, it’s not okay. It’s especially not ok with you have grey hair and are trying to woo freshmen because you think they will actually spend the night with you as if they are Playboy girls who want your money. I’m sure a few girls will steal a drink off your tab and disappear, but no girl is going to stay with you. Give it up and go home to your wife.
The Townie: The townie crowd is composed of female and male hipsters who like to pretend they are better than you. For some reason they think that because they do cocaine and don’t bathe, and you are drunk and eating at Five Guys, they are better people. They give you that stare on College Ave. as you stumble by and you can tell they are judging you through the café window when you trip on uneven concrete. Some people argue that Athens is great because of the music and food scene that the hipsters make happen. However, I believe the city would be a better place if these dirty, gross people weren’t around. I hate them.
Alright, I’m sure that there are other characters out there but I’m blogged out. These are the people I see and the people I know. If you have some more types, drop them in the comments section. Athens is a great place full of crazy, unique, and drunk people. Just think about you and your friends and where you fall into place.