So my brother Frank took a stab at staple sorority girl Facebook etiquette. Now it’s my turn. Here are some of the equally ridiculous commonalities I’ve picked up from bros on the ‘Book:
1. Terrible pictures of other bros
Years have gone by, but this never gets old. If a bro passes out, takes a photo on a boat on a lake wearing a captain’s hat and surrounded by babes or poses blackout in some hella strange place/manner or is caught drunkenly making out with some chick in the background of another person’s photo, it’s fair game for default pix. Laughs for days.
2. Heady tunes
You went to a Widespread Panic show once, and now the set — like every other one — is online? You listen to Bassnectar and Pretty Lights? You’re going to Hangout Fest with your chill bros? Your dad saw Phish once, and now the set — like every other one — is online? Congratulations on being heady, man. You must own a three foot bong and an Eno hammock. But it’s cool. I get that you just CHERISH weed and jam bands and aren’t fazed by imminent unemployment. One love. Wait for the drop… wait for it…
3. All things patriotic
You’re in a fraternity. You sweat Reaganomics. But in case the Internet isn’t positive that you’re a registered conservative, you’re going to distribute as many Fox News links, Clarence Thomas/eagle/flag/Navy SEAL/George W. Bush/John Daly profile pictures, semi-racist/sexist/homophobic slurs (lolwut) and anti-Obama threats you can possibly manage. Because what’s more of a TFM than a sheer, unadulterated no-spin zone?
4. XXXTREME outdoorsy pix
Duck huntin’. Deer huntin’. Huntin’ huntin’. Skeet shootin’. Shootin’ range. Muddin’. Fishin’. Hikin’. Skydivin’. Cliff jumpin’. You bought a Patagonia on sale, and you want to prove it was put to proper use. So you brought your gun and your iPhone outside with you to document. Congratulations, it worked — now half of every sorority thinks they need to learn how to shoot a Remington in case you ask them on Mountain Weekend.
5. Party pix
Mouth open, tongue out, arms up, GRAB A BEER. You’re raging, and you don’t give a damn who sees. But some babe is taking a mupload/photo, and you gotta be in it. I’ll admit: your vintage Phoenix Suns jersey is pretty tight. That tux from formal looks pretty sharp. And that bandana you wore at Bonnaroo made you look fuggin’ heady. But in some ways, bros are just as bad as girls when it comes to doing too much to prove they’re having a good time. Then again, maybe they’re just caught at that perfect moment when the bass drops in a dubstep track and they’ve just kicked back a bevy of Natties in a case race and they just can’t help themselves.
6. Deadspin/Barstool articles (TMZ for sports/men)
Deadspin is like an adult man’s playground without the porn or porn ads or naked ladies (most of the time). It has really insightful articles such as an examination of the ability to replicate farts and a list of things people got stuck in their bodily cavities in the year 2011. Sports, too, sometimes. Finding a Deadspin or Barstool article before another bro is like a virtual trophy, so guys seem to like making sure it’s on record via our mini-feeds.
Frat guys love sports, and they care who knows. Because they want everyone to know. Otherwise they run the risk of looking like some really weird, ostracized frat eunuch who doesn’t love his Atlanta Braves. Expect to see plenty of profile pictures of John Rocker, Dikembe Mutombo, Deion Sanders or any (in)famous 90s athlete. Twitter, for example, is totally OK for a bro to use if he’s making jokes about Aaron Rodgers’ sexuality or Ocho Cinco or Lebron “not finishing” or sharing Deadspin links with other bros when Facebook makes the intense Deadspin sharing look too “homo.” YouTube videos are also fair game, especially when they involve Blake Griffin thrusting his balls in Kendrick Perkins’ face — face it, pun intended: that will never get old. Oh, and please keep posting the video/photos of the new Braves alternate unis on each other’s walls. I haven’t seen them enough.
8. Absurd/gross YouTube videos
Something about the Internet makes every bro think he’s an incarnation of honorary bro Daniel Tosh. Which must be why my Facebook mini-feed is more or less a “Tosh.0” rerun. I rarely see any bro-to-bro video that lacks some nauseating content, human excrement, Rack ‘em Willie or Tim and Eric, and I don’t quite get it. Something about Facebook makes bro sensibilities revert to the middle school editions of themselves. HAGS, bros.
9. Babes. Including, but not limited to: Megan Fox, Alex Morgan, Kate Upton
You hate women’s sports, but you love — well, only “like” on Facebook — Alex Morgan. You must really respect Megan Fox’s acting talent a lot to have liked her page! Kate Upton makes you feel like you’ve never seen a pair of jugs before, so you’d better share those memories with your bros. And whoa, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition! You’re straight, right? I wasn’t sure.
It’s funny. All the losers you bullied in high school and followed to UGA (or whatever public school you attend) are real trolls and meme hounds on imgur, and you’ve taken up sport in channeling them. It’s still not cool to troll or make memes, but it’s tight to ask your buddies, “U MAD, BRO?” and post absurd crap you found on The Chive. You’re more ironic than the hipsters in that “hipster trap” meme you keep sharing with your bros whom you caught reading Pitchfork and listening to something that wasn’t top 40 radio.
Tell me, bros and sratties, did Frank and I miss a thing? Or did we hit it right on the dot? I’m guessing, by the amount of Facebook likes and comments we get, we’ll be able to tell.