by my brother Frank.
So about six months ago, I told Melissa that she should write a blog post about how sorority girls all seem to love to do certain things on Facebook. Mostly because I, like many guys I know, find these repeating habits ridiculous.
Sure enough, she ignored me, and another blog beat her/me/us to the punch and, deservedly so, was widely circulated throughout the Internet and Facebook itself.
While this blogger did a pretty good job, there are some things I’ve noticed that are missing or need to be expounded upon. Because I’m a guy, or maybe because I’m a bit of a pessimist and arguably too easily irritated, there are a number of things left unmentioned I see girls do every time I log into Facebook that are mildly absurd.
In no particular order, here they are:
1. Overusing “Muploads” (Mobile Uploads):
Going downtown with your friends? Better take a picture and put it on Facebook so everyone can see it after they get home from seeing you downtown in the flesh! Studying and unhappy about it? Take a picture of your books and notecards, and make sure to comment “UGGGHHHHHHH!” Do you consider yourself an amateur photographer? Better snap a pic with your iPhone of the sunset with Instagram effects!
2. Overly Dramatic Language
“Oh. My. God.”
“BEST. DAY. EVER.”
“WORST. DAY. EVER.”
“Are you alive?”
3. Complimenting Other Girls on Their Profile Picture
If a girl has even a mediocre profile picture expect, to see about 40 likes. Thirty-six will probably be from her sorority sisters and, four will probably be from creepy guys she went to high school with or whom she barely knows. See the comments and expect “Beautiful Girl!” “CUTE!!!” and “So. Gorgeous.” about 36 times from the same girls who already liked the picture. Oh, and four of the comments will probably say something a lot more sexual from the weird dudes who liked it.
4. Countdown Statuses
Whether it is a holiday, your birthday, spring break or a random event you and your friends do every year, girls seem to love counting down the days in their statuses. But not as much as they seem to love doing it the day after the event happens and saying things like, “Only 364 more days till Spring Break 2013!!!!”
5. Being In Fake Relationships With Other Girls or Their Gay Friends
I feel like this is the 2012/college version of the matching “BFF” heart-shaped pendants that every pair of best girl friends I knew had in fifth grade. I honestly don’t entirely understand the rationale. Do y’all just want everyone to think you are “independent women?” Or do you want guys to see that your girls come first? Or have you decided that your gay best friend is the only male that will ever make you happy in college?
6. Bible Verse Statuses
God is great. And I love him too. But sorority girls apparently love him even more and thus must tell the Facebook world about him everyday. It’s clearly wrong to say anything bad about this, and I applaud being religious, but I hope you live by that verse when you are dancing on a table, hammered, at 1:30 in the morning.
7. Self Deprecating Comments On Pictures
Every single girl ever is guilty of this. Kind of like openly talking about how you need to diet, writing “Ew.” “Take. this. down. now.” and “I look hideous” on pictures and pointing out your imperfections happens all the time in the public forum that is Facebook. This is funny when the picture is absolutely terrible (I think it’s awesome when girls make shitty pictures of their friends their profile pictures like guys do). Otherwise, in my eyes, girls come across as insecure and fishing for compliments — which I guess are supposed to be posted to your profile picture, right?
8. Referencing Unbearable TV Shows Your Male FB Friends Know Nothing About
OK, I guess they are like sports for girls, but I see something about “Pretty Little Liars,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” The Kardashians and “Gossip Girl” far too often for my liking. I don’t know who Chuck Bass is, but once a week my news feed is littered with both anger and love directed toward this individual.
9. Liking and Commenting on Pictures of Clothes
About four times a day there is a picture of a skirt, dress or shoes on my news feed because a sorority girl decided to tell a local boutique that she approved of their clothing. Another way to show a store you like their clothes is if you go to said store and purchase said clothing. Marketing at its finest, I suppose.
10. Posting Pictures of Animals (Especially Cats)
Apparently the key to a sorority girl’s heart is a kitten, puppy or teacup pig. Yesterday alone, three of my female Facebook friends decided to “share” the same picture of Boo, who is apparently a world famous toy dog that has over 3 million likes on Facebook. Apparently these girls’ early childhood education classes are so unbearable that Stumbling Upon cute animal pictures the whole time to post on their sisters’ profiles is the only way to stay sane. And for those of you who enjoy using CatPaint incessantly and/or muploading five pictures of your dog every time you go home, you are equally guilty.
However obnoxious sorority girls’ habits on Facebook may be, I guess I don’t really have room to complain. I’m sure the majority of my female friends don’t like all shit I litter in their news feeds, and I don’t expect them to. The same way I treat Facebook as a forum for posting photobombs, my dissatisfaction with our current president and offensive videos like “BumFights,” girls utilize their accounts in their own way.
Nonetheless, I’ll bet that I see an Instagram mupload of a completed Pinterest recipe for s’mores brownies the next time I log in Facebook — “Girlz night in, y’all!”